Conquering Fear

Invisibly running through nerves,
Injecting its venom inside the bones.
Bombards at random times, without prior notice,
When body goes cold and blue as ice.

Sometimes sweat appears, decreases temperature,
Mind goes blank, mouth dries, behaves immature.
Shiver in parts of body is known to thyself,
Fingers tries its best to cover as a secret delf.

Where others recognize it for sure,
Eyes, lips, legs and hands speaks how insecure.
Few seconds of daring confidence is all needed to combat,
Conquer fear, jump high and beat the heat.

Following the mind

Every steps taken, right or wrong,

Without any second thought, opt to prolong.

Fear in the heart, which asks, how long?

As long as my daring mind stay strong.

What is that heart craves?

which I need to achieve,

To fulfill the innermost desire,

And bring back the peace and smile.

Carving heart wasn't from my day one,

Now-a-day, it boomed to reach the throne,

Never ever thought such, to struggle or atone, 

Now I bow my head and follow the mind as my cicerone.

Colors N Turns

Life has many colors and many turns,
People show their colors, inturn we learn.
Each turn we take, face new challenge,
Pray heart to stay strong and not to avenge.

For the injustice or innocent deeds of people,
Never dare, heart jumps to put them down and crumble.
Sure, it would lead to a ludicrous debacle,
Act to have a great come back, still awaits for a miracle.

To prove; word appears and mind goes blank,
Asking thyself, what is that and why is this swank.
To impress whom and get what in this world or life.
No, It's peace, needs to be achieved, breaking such strife.

Missing Her.....

From day one, was attached with her,
Wish that attachment to stay forever.
She was helpless and left me alone,
Shall never ever accept she is gone.

Even god dare not to oppose the nature,
Never attempt to stop and help her to nurture.
Each day, made sure to keep contact with her eyes,
As I knew, she was nearing to her end days.

She left amid in the way of life,
Which I took as great strife.
Moved all the way with my intuition,
Never realized, it's mere hallucination.

Dark Thoughts

In the dark night, alone under the tree,
Gazing at the sky, waiting for a silver line,
While mind, heart was floating free,
And dreams ended, without any sign.

Could feel the cool cold breeze,
Shivering, grasped myself tight to overcome it,
Solitude brought tears, which rolled from eyes,
Weaken mind was destroyed and will power covered it.

Shining moon appeared to shower its smile,
One, two stars started to show up in the dark sky,
Still long time for the sun to appear and shine,
Surrounded by dark, was still searching my eye.

For the unknown, unseen happiness, which sparkles bright,
Which hasn't appeared nor felt any day,
Hope for it to appear on my last night,
Barely breathing, held it for few more minutes, as I feel I may.

It So Happened - Part15 - Final

After saying me that he was the one who took book from mad person and he was the same who returned book back to library, my brother left from my room, I thought he just went to hall, he might be watching TV. But he went out of house itself. Was he depressed again? But I was completely in shock to hear that words so didn't bother to think anything about whatz my brother's reaction.

After few minutes, might be almost after one hour, I went down to hall, to talk with my brother. He was not at hall, my parents were watching TV. I asked, "where is Ranjan?" my mom said, "I called him, he didn't respond for me, he moved out, might be he went to his friend's house." I said, "Oh ok..." Silence was filled in my words now, as my mind was thinking so much. I too sat with my parents as if I was watching TV. But looking at TV, I was just thinking something which I can’t describe. Was totally confused, who, what, why? all unanswered questions in my mind. I was waiting for my brother, watching TV, I wasn't watching just looking at it.

I was waiting in hall, I never knew when my eyes closed, I slept there on sofa, my mom had put blanket on me. I wrapped myself with blanket and slept at sofa itself. Early morning, my mother came with coffee in her hand. She woke me and asked, "why did u sleep here yesterday?" I answered, "I was watching TV, never knew when I fell asleep, Its fine, Where is Ranjan? is he in room?" My mother was moving back to kitchen, she said, "Oh he hasn't come yesterday to home back, he might have slept at his friend's home itself". Hearing that I was feeling somewhat more disturbed.

I want to talk with my brother; there were many questions in myself, which is bugging me. I became silent and went back to room. Again at room I was sleeping. My mom came and said, "aren't u going to college? What happened are you ok? Are you feeling well? Any problem charm?" She moved her hands on my forehead. Unable to answer or say anything to her, I said, "nothing mom, am all set ok, shall get ready and go right now" I smiled at her, to make her feel all is ok.

She is my mother, she knew something was disturbing me, I wasn't normal. She found in my one statement, she said, "Cool charm, get fresh, you would get answers for all, for all, just give time for time". I smiled again for her words. I went to college, still mind was wandering some sets of questions, which I feel only my brother can answer. While I was taking stares, I remembered Sagarika. Yes, she can also help me to get answers for my questions. I stood near her class, without attending my class. I stood and waited but she wasn't in class. I was bit sad, though I missed my class and stood here, it went in vain.

Still I got one way to get to my answers, Sagarika, yes, she is only one other than my brother who can answer me. I dont want to ask my brother, so she is only one left. I went home. My brother came very late in night, My mother was bit scolding him. He kept quite. Silence at our room also. I was silent, even he was silent. We both didn't talk with each other. We remained silent.

Again early morning I went to college and stood near Sagarika's class. She didn't come to college today also. I was almost becoming mad with my inner raising questions and thoughts.

At home silence was still in between me and my brother. My mother recognised something wrong between me and my brother. She came to our room. We were sitting at opposite corner of room, holding book and with complete silence in the room. She said aloud, "Whatz wrong with you both? why are you behaving like enemies? did u both had a fight? Say me, I shall resolve your both problems? now say me Sanjana, whatz wrong charm? say me..", she focused at me, " I smiled and said, "nothing as such mom, we are cool, no misunderstanding, no fights, Its just my head is aching from one week, So have stopped talking thatz it". She got to know, that was just an excuse, She moved towards my brother and said, "Well you say Ranjan, whatz going between you and your sister?" He looked at me and then at my mom, and started.

For a moment, I felt I shall get answers for my questions now. "I really dont know mom, I returned book, taking from that mad person, Sis came to know about that now. Might be she is angry with me, that I hide that from her till now, so she is not talking with me." As soon as he said, I screamed, "I am not angry with any?" My mom laughed and said, "Sanjana, its nothing wrong, he didn't intentionally hide from you. It just he felt its not big thing to share with you". I said, "I am not asking anyone to give any reason". She said, "Sanjana, your words clearly says you are in anger mood. Calm down charm, Forgive your brother, he his younger to you right, forgive him, Now smile at each other, I shall take you both for painting exhibition, get ready and come with me, you both will feel better with each other, get ready". I turned towards my brother, he was smiling, I too smiled.

Looking we both smiling, she just moved out smiling and saying, "Now settle among yourself, I dont want my kids to break up with each other" I smiled at my brother, I still was having questions for him, does he know, who killed Surya? I proceeded towards him,

asked sorry, and was casually talking with him. I felt, its not right time to talk with him. Let me ask Sagarika first, If I dont get answer from her, than shall talk with my brother.

Many days spent like this, everyday I used to go to college stand near Sagarika's class, she wasn't there. Always I was disappointed. I couldn't control my disappointments. I asked one of her classmate, "Is Sagarika, not coming to college, Where is she?" They answered, "She is not coming to college. We heard she won’t be coming to college". I was again shocked, I said bit louder, "what?" They all looked at me. I put my head down and said, "Oh ok, thanks" and moved from there.

I was walking back to bus stand, past almost 2 weeks. I was not attending my class properly. I went back home. Now I have only one way to get answers, thatz my brother, I was preparing myself to ask my brother, was framing questions, so that he doesn't know what I am asking, and I get the answers also. I heard my brother came to home; he was talking with my mother. He seemed as if he was happy. Again he was singing same romantic song. He put that song from his mobile loudly, He was very happy. I suspected hearing that romantic song itself. That he might be in love with someone? Yes, I did suspect its Sagarika itself. Now I feel, chances of being Sagarika more, Since he was the one who returned the book to library, He helped Sagarika. My suspection towards my brother's love again raised up. But today, I heard from her friends she is not coming to college. Then how is it Sagarika? How?

Something triggered in my mind, Morning walk! She will be coming there, My brother might be meeting her there? If what I am thinking is right, I feel, my brother killed Surya, Shit yaar, How can I think like this, with my own brother. What am I thinking, I banged on my head and went down to hall near my brother and said, "Ranjan.." He said, "Yup Sis? what can I do for you?". I saw his eyes and said, "Nothing.." He saw I was confused to ask him something. He said, "did u see that mad person again? Now I said all truth for u, there is nothing hidden from you" I am not involved in anything related with your questions, sis. I am damn sure about that. He gave a broad smile to me. I smiled, "Yes, its true bro". After a while, I called him again, "Ranjan, Will u take me to morning walk tomorrow?" He raised his eyebrow and said, "Why? what happened sis?". I said, "nothing just wanted to come for a walk" He said, "ok" and went into room whistling.

Early morning, while walking with my brother, I maintained silence with him, since I was disturbed. My brother cracked some joke, I smiled bit and kept silence again. He saw me silent and was trying to crack as many jokes which he can do for that moment. When we entered the park, my eyes was gazing at the place where Sagarika used to be. I said my brother, you go a round and come, I shall sit here for a moment, shall join you soon. He smiled and went. I was sitting near the place where Sagarika used to do exercise?

Sitting on the bench in the park, was waiting for her. Waiting, was thinking many things, what actually would have happened? one the mad person killed, else my brother, no no… its not my brother, then its the mad person itself. But how could my brother say so surely that its not mad person. He was angry at that time; he was confirmed and confident with his words. Then who else? My brother knows that for sure. Now I want to know about it thatz it. Thinking that was bit tensed and looking forward for Sagarika to come.

My brother came instead of Sagarika. I said, "So early u came back?" and looked whether Sagarika came. He said, "Sis whatz the matter? you seems tensed? your mind seems asking many question. Whatz the matter?" I said, "Nothing bro, nothing.." and took a deep breath as if I was disappointed again waiting for Sagarika. She didn't turn up. Watching me, looking for someone, my brother guessed "Oh you are searching for Sagarika? She won’t be coming. That I can confirm to you" It was just a guess from my brother. With disappointment, anxious to know the answer, my temper raised and I said loudly, "You know everything Ranjan. Say me Ranjan, I am fed up thinking about it, I don’t want to think. But I am unable to concentrate on anything, Say me Ranjan, Say me Please, Please?"

He saw me wildly. I raised my voice, "You know who killed Surya and you very well know it. You also knew Sagarika will not be coming here. Now say me Ranjan, Say me". He looked around; it seemed all were looking at us. He said slowly, "Sis, calm down. Shall say you but not here come with me." He started to walk, I followed him. We reached a calm place, which I never saw before. Where the sunrise was amazing, Filmy style scene it was. There was absolutely on one around. It was just we both in such beautiful place, which had great greenery. Looking at that green beautiful place, my questions and all went away from my mind. I was feeling very relaxed sort. Might be since I gave out all questions in front of my brother, was feeling relaxed. Whatever it was, I was feeling something happy from within.

My brother saw and started, "Sis, Your questions are whether Surya was murder or not? If murder, who killed? Where is Sagarika? right. I have answers for all your questions." I never asked, where is Sagarika now. I just wanted to know what happened with Surya. Why was my brother bringing Sagarika here? Am least bothered about her, he continued, "Sis, that night we friends were together at golden ground. We were four of them including him. That day, he was bit very much happy. He informed he was in love with Sagarika, and she too accepted his love. He said he has exam the next day, he wants to prepare for it. But we forced him for bike stunts. We forced him to come with us for one hour. We were doing some bike stunts, he was master in it. We were doing the stunts all of suddenly he slipped, it was just one jerk. While he was performing the stopping, he fell such that the bike fell on him. But it fell on one of his ears. He was not able to stand properly. He was like almost unconscious. He was not bleeding. He just said us so much, I am unable to respire properly. We called for ambulance immediately.

One of my friend said, he would inform his family members and shall get them near the hospital itself. He would feel bit relieved with pain, when he sees his family members. Other fellow also joined him and went towards his house. I was with him until ambulance came. I was literally feeling his pain. He was struggling. His eyes were filled with tears because of pain. I was trying to comfort and console him. I tried as much as I can do. By then ambulance came.

At hospital, they rushed him to emergency ward. As I said, he was not bleeding, not even a drop of blood was out from his body. He was looking all set fine. We all thought it’s just an injury, he would be alright. Then after half an hour, we heard, he got internal brain hemorrhage, and he is suffering from internal bleeding. We all were shocked to hear. From his family, his younger brother and father had come to hospital. His brother went down. We all were more scared, what happened with him. Nurse called doctor with bit louder voice. Then doctor came out from the room. He said only few words, "We are sorry, we couldn't help". Yaar, we all were like almost lost at that moment. We couldn't control ourselves.

Saying so much, my brother was almost in tears in his eyes. I went near him and put my hand on his shoulder. He too held my hands and said. We shouldn't have forced him to come with us that day. He would have survived. He said he wants to go to study, we forced him sis, forced him to come with us and play bike stunts. We killed him. I am sorry for him. We feel guilty even today.

I said, "Bro, its god's play calm down". Sometimes, we have no other option than blaming on god, since we want our loved one to be happy. We blame on god for all bad things. I said same now also though neither he nor I believe in God. He became silent for a moment then continued; we wanted to inform Sagarika about this news, since they were in love. So me and my friends went to her house. We were welcomed by her parents. We said coolly to her and her parents what happened and Surya is no more. As soon after hearing to that words. Sagarika fell unconscious. Her mother got wild angry with us. She yelled at us, "Aren't u aware she is heart patient, u say she is your friend." We all rushed again to hospital with her. Doctor said, "She is in coma". We were shattered very badly. We had no dareness to neither say nor ask to her family members anything.

We all made sure to visit her everyday in hospital to find her condition. One day we dare to talk with her mother, "Sorry aunty, we really didn't had any idea about this". She said, "Its fine child, I understand its not first time for us. We have seen and been to such situation many a time before." We said, "What?" My friend asked, "What actually is the problem with Sagarika?" Her mother said, "She is suffering from heart hole, it’s from childhood". My brother from singapore called me, this time as soon as she recovers, we shall take her to singapore and get heart transplant done". We just smiled and said, "Shall pray for god same".

After saying so much, my brother remained silent for a while. I was like curious to know what happened with her. Slowly I said, "Ranjan, what happened then to Sagarika? Is she fine now?" He smiled at me and said, "She is all set fine Sis, It’s long back now, she had gone to Singapore". I was feeling bit relaxed after hearing all. I said, "Thank goodness, it’s only so much".

He smiled and stood near the tree, trying to pluck some cute flowers. He plucked it and started to sing same romantic song, which I was hearing from me recently. I felt he was in love right, It’s right time to ask him. I asked, "Ranjan, I have one more question". He said, "Yes, Please madam, shall answer all your questions" I said, "Are you in love? I once saw you chatting late night, were you chatting with any girl? Are you in love Ranjan? Are you?" He started laughing loudly, took 2-3 steps backward, nodding his head, turned towards me and said, "Its not Sagarika, sis, Hope your doubt is cleared". He smiled at me and just went off.

His smile was so cute. And he got to know what was my true question with all the questions I asked, I was very keen to, whether his love was Sagarika or not, and he answered my question. Smart... Standing there, I was able to look at the rising SUN, THE SURYA for all, who makes all smile in morning, get angry for its hotness and feel for him for his evening showers. It’s so true with Surya's life also. Sagarika and Surya, it’s something as if their meaning of names matched with their life. Looking at rising sun, I stood there alone in such wonderful place, which I ever seen before.

It So Happened - Part-14

My mind started to imagine and figuring what would have happened. So it was this mad person behind all. I wanted to say this to all. I found who he is the killer of Surya. Yes, I found who the killer is. But mad person are not considered as murderer, So what we shouldn't allow such mad person to be out roaming like, today Surya tomorrow dont know who else would become the victim for this mad. As soon I went home. I blabbered to my mom everything in detail. She heard to all my sayings and then she laughed loud and said, "So you believe in whatever the mad person say? Are you crazy? Sanjana, it’s true that mad person need to be treated and he needs treatment, but we can’t put some allegations on him like that. He is already suffering; He won’t dare to do that. He is innocent, your friend Surya would have died by some other reason, and if he is murderer then it would be someone else. Understood, don’t bother all such things, my child, go and relax. And listen don’t think about the mad person again, If u see him in case by chance, just ignore him, ok.. ok.. say yes now..", I answered, "Yes mama, you don’t believe me, its fine." I was moving towards my room. My mother came near me, moved her hands on my head and said, "Sanjana, I believe you. If that mad person is the culprit. He would be seriously punished accordingly. Justice really does happen with all. Believe in God." She patted my back. I smiled at her, as if I am convinced with what she said.

In room, holding some text book I was thinking about same incident. I always feel there is some truth behind the mad person's words. It had proved also once in the book case, his words were true, thatz how I got to know that book was with him. Was the book really with him? Am I thinking in right direction? Who has proof that the book was with him? How do I prove that the book was returned by Surya itself and he took from this mad person. If I prove that then I can prove easily that mad person is the killer. Only one person whom I feel knows is Sagarika, then I have to seriously talk with Sagarika. Yes, she would be aware by now, who returned the book. She and Surya became friends through the book itself right. So, I need to talk with her, But yaar, I have never seen her in college from start of this semester. Where is she? How would I search? hmmm. Was thinking about that suddenly remembered about morning walk! Yes, she comes for walking for sure. One or other day, I can catch her there.

At same time my brother entered the room. I was so anxious to tell my brother that I found the killer. But bit was feeling he was so depressed with that incident doesn't want to push him to depression again. But if I say him this he would feel bit better. Moreover I want him to wake me up early morning for a walk. And I can meet Sagarika.

I started with low tone, "Ranjan, I have something to share with you." He said, "Did mother give you my share of cake to you, Now give my share properly, I don’t want to share with you. I like cake equally as much u like it, you are aware right it’s my favorite, give me full share of mine." I said, "Goodness Ranjan, always behind cake or anything eatables only. I have something great news to share with you." He replied, "Oh ok, tell me, whatz that great news". He made a whacky face. Even I made faces and said with broad smile on face, "I saw today the mad person, who had that library book, do you remember?" He replied, "Oh ok, fine I remember. So, what now? Was he holding another library book today? Uff that mad person, why is he behind library books". I stopped him there, "Hey hey..he wasn't having any book with him, I just wanted to say some truth which is lying with him". For that words, my brother laughed loudly and said, "Oh now you found, why he became mad, his history all hahahaha". I was getting angry my brother is not ready to hear my words properly. I said, "get lost, if you are not interested to hear what I want to say don’t hear then".

Looking me angry, he came near me and said, "Hey sis, was kidding, you took it seriously? now say, shall hear to your words properly, wont say a word more ok .. is it fine, say now" I turned towards him, began "It so happened, i was traveling back to home in bus, in the same bus the mad person was there. He was talking with conductor; he said he killed one college guy. And its Surya itself, I am damn sure its Surya. I shall prove it."

He stood went near the balcony door of our room and said, "Shut up sis, simply don’t blame on innocent, he is not, he can’t be the murderer." I said, "Ranjan, it is he only, Since Surya threatened and took book from him, he took revenge against Surya like this. He killed Surya." My brother shouted at me, bit louder, "Will you stop thinking all such nonsense, he is not the killer, moreover for your information, Surya didn't get the book from him. It was me, It was me, me. It’s me, who threatened him and returned book to library got it. Now stop blaming on innocent people." He said so much and went out again.

This words, made me to think more about what would have happened.

It So Happened - Part-13

Drastically I was feeling change in my brother. He seems to be very happy now days. He used to always hum some romantic songs, Always attached with his mobile, chatting or in call. He used not go out for play as usual not even watch TV nor sit and talk with my parents or with me. He rarely spent time for us. I felt he was in love with someone. But with whom, Am I guessing it correct? Is he in love?

I don’t know why, my suspicion went on Sagarika itself. If it’s Sagarika, how did they meet? Where is their usual meeting point now a days? If it was in college I would have seen one or other day, I feel it’s not in college for sure? Where else? I was thinking on that, my mom called by then I went and got engaged with other work. I forgot about Sagarika and brother thoughts.

When I entered my room back, the thoughts again rolled back in my mind. Sagarika... my brother... how? when? where? was almost getting headache. I turned towards the clock, it was 8:40 p.m. My brother is still not in home, where is he? Is he meeting his love now? I doubt its Sagarika. I thought I need to call him to his cell, then I thought I can’t simply question him like that. I was so anxious; I went near the door and was walking to and fro near the door.

My mother saw me walking near the door. She smiled and asked "What? Did your brother promised to bring you some gifts?” I answered her "Wish it was so, now I wonder I won’t get something which I was not expecting from him". So my mother replied, "Oh, you already asked something for him. even I thought to ask, anyhow he is going to Gandhi Bazaar, I too thought shall ask him to get some bed sheets and curtains, but his choice is always so poor that I didn't ask him, by the way what did you asked him to bring?". I said, "Oh, so he has gone to shopping? Great, as he said anything, with whom he is going?" My mother said, "You didn't know then? He hasn't gone for shopping, he has gone for theater show, in that old theater near Gandhi bazaar. And might be he went with his friends, thatz fine, why are you waiting for him like this, never ever you waited?" I said, "Nothing, simply just for change" and went towards my room.

So, my brother has gone for theater show? Is it with his girl friend? I was getting angry against him. But its not Sagarika yaar, she was Surya's girlfriend right? It’s not she. She can be also, now Surya is no more. My head was aching so badly.

I slept with such thoughts.

Early morning, I woke up late, by then my brother was back from morning walk. I wanted to question him, something stopped me. As usual I went to college attended the classes and was back to home by bus. In my bus, I heard someone talking with conductor bit louder, "You know who am I? I killed one person recently, do you know? How dare he was, he scolded and threatened me, so I murdered him, so pity with him, he was a college going, now youth aged person." He took the name of our college also. I felt, was the victim is Surya. I turned with jerk to see, who that person was. To my greatest surprise, that was one great personality, whom I was desperately searching to see. It was the mad person. Yes the same mad person, who was at traffic signal. He was talking with conductor. I was shocked. Oh goodness, the mad person was one who murdered Surya, He took the book from this mad person, by beating, threatening him. So, this mad person might have killed him. I was just staring at the mad person. He saw me staring at him. He too started to stare at me. He came near me, the seat next to me was empty, I was scared, and what if he sits near me and does anything to me.

I was so scared. I got up from there and stood near the driver, as if I will get down in next stop, in turn if the mad person had taken one more step towards me, I would have got down for sure. By then conductor saw that and he might have understood that I was scared, he called that mad person towards him and said, "Your stop is not this, come and sit here, I shall say you. You were saying something right, you killed someone, tell me how you killed, come brave hero, come here". The mad person moved towards conductor. I sat in another seat next to one lady, near driver.

Mad person with zeal in his tune said, "I dragged him in the road, his friends left him alone. I dragged and kicked with my only one leg. One shot he died, hahaha, it was just one shot he died, I killed him. His friends were running seeing me killing him. They were so scared of me. hahahahaha" Conductor said, "Wow, you are so strong, that you cant stand yourself, still you kicked him with one leg, he died, Wow, you are very strong man. Everyone needs to be scared of you; even am scared of you boss. How long have you been in this area, Boss?" Conductor was making fun of him. But I was visualizing the truth in those words.

It So Happened - Part-12

As days passed, I too forgot about Surya's death. And I never saw that beautiful girl Sagarika or that mad person too. My brother was behaving normal. We, our family members went for sridi sai baba temple also. It was great time traveling and visiting many other temples. I was happy in my own world.

It seemed as if everything was some bad dream which I had. I never knew, in short span of time people really do forget the past. There was nothing past related to my life. But what happened till now, I don’t remember rather none makes me to remember it.

As usual me, my studies, family, that was only my world. I was enjoying my life. Still those moments, whatever happened seems to be mystery. I never asked my brother on that. I don’t want him to go to depressed mood again. His smile makes us smile; I wanted him to be happy always. He was as usual cracking jokes, making my parents and me smile always.

One afternoon in college, after the class, I was the last to leave the classroom. I took stairs and was moving ahead. I felt someone behind me was walking along with me, I mean someone was behind me, wasn't aware was that person following me or not. But felt he was walking with same pace, with some distance. Try to turn behind and look, I was unable to look at the face, it wasn't one person, they were two. Talking to each other they were moving. It made me somewhat scary. I slow down a bit, in turn wanted that person to move in front of me, so that I feel comfortable. I simply get scared for no reason. It’s my childhood behavior.

As those two guys passed by me. I was relaxed. I thought I simply got scared again. While those two guys were walking I observed one guy, He seems as if I have seen him before. I was wearing white shirt. I looked at his shirt collar. Might be I wanted to look at him. But something caught by eye sight at his collar. It had fresh blood stains on his collar, that guy was not bleeding. Goodness yaar, Doesn't know, I felt more scared. I bent my head took other way to avoid going behind those guys.

That day, I started to remember about Surya. While traveling to home, I was thinking about him. Did anyone kill him? How did he die? It’s almost 6 months now. No news about it. What did police do? Did they ever investigate? All such questions was triggering in my mind. Bus stopped at the traffic jam at circle. Same circle, where I used to see the mad person. It’s been so many days, I haven't seen him.

I looked all possible directions in search of that mad person. He came and went. As if his part was just to take the book of Sagarika and create a scene. Huh! Sagarika, where is she now a days. Yes, I too have stopped going to walking also. I never saw her.

At home, I didn't want to bring my thoughts in front of my brother and disturb him too. I was enjoying the time with my family members. At night had dreams about Surya, Sagarika and other person, the white collar person. I felt I saw that white collar person killing Surya that too in front of Sagarika, Saw her crying helplessly in middle of road. I felt like crying. I woke up. As I woke up and switched the light on.

My brother asked "What happened sis? Are you ok? Did u dream any bad dreams?" I answered, "Yes, it was a dream, but bro, How come you are so alert in this mid night, as soon as I switched the light, you are questioning me? Aren't you asleep?”

My brother stammered, "I.. I was sleeping, but some how woke up at same time, might be coincidence." I smiled, "Hmmm possible! It’s coincidence, that coincidence shouldn't be so much that we both dreamt same. “We laughed a bit. But we both didn't laugh from heart. My brother said, "Fine sis, Drink water, take god's name and sleep". I wondered why was he not bothered what was the dream I dreamt. I suppose he asked me before when I got such dreams. Why not today? Neither I was interested to say him.

I switched off the light and went to sleep. My sleep was disturbed. Wasn't able to sleep properly, I turned towards the wall, and with open eyes was looking at the wall. After a while, I saw a light reflection on the wall. From where is this light coming from. I turned slowly to look; I saw my brother's cell phone was emitting this light. He was chatting with someone. But who was it? At this late night who is it that my brother is messaging? I felt I should ask my brother. Then I felt I shouldn't, if he had something to share with me, then my brother would have said me. I shouldn't be a hitler to my brother, I turned back, closed my eyes and went for sleep.

One of my favourite song.....Anjali Anjali Anjali...

Anjali Anjali Anjali... chinna kanmani kanmani kanmani...(Anjali, Anjali, Anjali... little apple of the eye... apple of the eye... apple of the eye...)

kanmani literally means eye ball.. in this context, the singer is personifying the little girl as his eye ball.. can be understood
as the apple of his eyes
Anjali Anjali Anjali... minnum minmini minmini minmini...(Anjali Anjali Anjali... sparkling firefly firefly firefly)

Ammamma.. pillai kani...(Oh my... young fruit...)
(I think the usage of fruit refers to Lord Muruga's fight for the fruit of wisdom which he lost to Lord Ganesha. When he was angry standing on a hill, Avvaiyar consoled him that his knowledge at such a young age, the skill of teaching his father the meaning of "OM", makes him a fruit of wisdom himself. She gives him the name "Pazham nee" meaning "Fruit is you"... which became Pazhani... and the mountain on which he stood angrily is called Pazhani thereafter... So the singer is equating this young child to a fruit... showing how divine the kid is... In her baby ways she has taught the community lot of lessons in compassion, love, and tolerance... so its definitely just to confer her the title "pillai kani" ... I may be wrong guys.. please contribute your suggestions/corrections)Angamthaan... thanga kani...(her body parts... are golden fruits... )

Ponmani chinna chinna, kanmani minna minna...(Little golden pearl... apple of the eye.. as you sparkle...)

Konjida konjida varum kanne nee...(you are a dear one .. coming to us to play with us...)
Punnagai sinthida varum ponne nee...(you are a golden one... spilling laughter from your lips..)
Muthamizh thanthidum siru poove nee...(you are a little flower that offers us all three divisions of Thamizh... )
Kanpadum Kanpadum intha pon meni(all the evil eyes will cast their spell on this poor little golden skin)

Aagayam boomiyellam Iraivan undaakki vaithu...(After making the earth and the sky....)
Aasaithaan theeramale... unnai thanthaan amma(God made you soon after.... unable to control his temptation (after creating the earth and the sky)..)
Kanne un mel megam thaan... panneer thoovi neerattum...
(Sweetie... the clouds will sprinkle rose water on you and bathe you...)
Thulli thaavum maankutty... solli solli thaalaattum...
(Little jumping deer will sing a lullaby to you)Nadakkum nadaiyil oru pallaaakku....
(When you walk you are a pallak, a carriage carried by men)
Sirikkum pozhuthu oru mathaappu...
(When you laugh you are a sparkler (a handheld firework))Unathu azhagukkenna? raajathi...
(Oh what about your beauty?! dear)
Ulagam nadanthu varum kai katti
(The whole world will come after you with folded hands... (meaning the whole world will bow its head on seeing your beauty))
Varamal vantha thevathai...
(You're an angel that never visited the earth before...)
Ulavum intha velli thaaragai
(you are a wandering silver girl)

Poopola kannalethaan pesum singaara meni...
(Like a flower... speak with your eyes..)
Annam pol.. nammodu thaan... aadu eppothume...
(Like a swan... dance with us always...)

Vaanam vaazhum angel thaan...
(An angel that lives in the skies...)
vanna pappa anjali thaan...
(Colorful Anjali... thats her!)
Amma nenjil oonjal thaan...
(Swinging on a joola in mother's heart...)
aadi pakkum anjali thaan...
(Little anjali will try to do it (swinging on a joola....))


Nadanthu nadanthu varum poochendu...
(A bouquet that comes walking)
paranthu paranthu varum ponvandu...
(a golden bee that comes flying...)
edukka edukka iru kai kondu...
(to take with both hands...)
inikka inikka oru karkandu...
((she is a ).. a tasty little sugar crystal)

Nilavai pola aadi va...
(Come dancing like the moon)
Nillamaal kooda neeyum odi vaa...
(you two come running with the moon without stopping...)


Reference:
http://kdmbri.blogspot.in/2011/03/anjali-anjali-anjali.html

It So Happened - Part -11

My mind was still thinking about Surya, The way he used to talk with all and me, He was such a humorous person. I liked to hear his jokes. Only one thing I didn't like was he talking with that beautiful girl. I wasn't jealous, I just didn't like it. Oh yeah, did that girl would have come to know about this news? she would have got to know, after all he was talking so close with her, as if they were good friends.

With my vacations, I forgot about Surya's death also. When I returned my college, New days again, was feeling as if the trees in college were blowing wind and swinging to welcome me. It was windy season, Cool breeze around college, because of so many trees, made all happy to be at college back. 

We friends were chit chatting, about the exam papers, vacations, where each of us had been, how we spent our time. One among them said, "Did you all get to know about Surya? He is no more now, heard it was murder case it seems". That shocked me again, "what? murder? Is that true? how did you get to know? Who killed him?" She responded, "Am not sure, heard the rumor, don’t have any other details about it. But yeah, have seen police coming to our college, today also had seen one talking something with our principal" None other talked on that topic.

My brother was his friend, he would have got the news, if it so. If its rumor also, he would have got that news, why didn't he discuss with me? Now a day, he never talks to me at all properly. I shall check with him today. Yeah if it’s a murder, who had so much enmity with Surya, he was easy going cool guy. He had no such grudges with any, as much I know; he had friendly relationship with all.

Evening stood in front of my brother and begun, "You knew there is a rumor that Surya's death was a murder, Now don’t say, you don't know, When I can come to hear that rumor, you also would have heard before me, since you guys were friends, Moreover, you know much more than that, Why don’t you share with me? now a days I feel, you are ignoring me, thatz fine, I just wanted know about Surya, is the rumor true? Was he murder?" My brother silence followed still after me asking so many questions. "I am asking you something, would you please mind to say some words?" He still kept silence. "I am enough with you bro? Why are you behaving like this, Please say something? Is that true? at least say is that true?". He opened, "Yes it’s true, he was murder, He was murder." he moved out of the room. He might have come back late night; I don’t know when he came. Morning also he went to walk early; he was supposed to be back to home by one hour of walk. He didn't return still, I was waiting at home. Then felt, why am I making this issue such a big, Surya is no where related to me. I shouldn't make myself tensed and moved with my other work.

Evening again, I got to talk with my brother, now a days, talking with own brother is difficult. As soon as he came to house, my mother called him for dinner. It was so late. "Wash your face and hands and come to have your dinner, I don’t know what you had taken from yesterday." Then I got to know, yesterday night, my brother didn't come to home. When he approached the dining table, even I came near him. His face had become so pale. I said, "Mom, Ranjan has become so weak, why mom you wont give him any food?, What Ranjan, are you dieting to impress any girl? tell tell, let me know, tell me secretly I shall keep secret." I giggled a bit. My brother was seriously silent. My mother looked at him and said, "Sanjana, keep quite don’t try to pull his legs, he is somewhat depressed from past many days. he is not taking food also now a days. He is eating something today that itself is great." I remained silent. I wasn't able to understand why was my brother so silent?

It So Happened - Part-10

Our externals exams in college started, i gave my 4 papers, it was ok ok sort, the fifth paper was horrible, everyone was feeling angry towards the question paper preparer, we had almost all questions out of syllabus question. Everyone was shattered, out of the examination hall, all were shouting, raising their words, talking to each other. I wasn't interested neither to hear nor to say any words, I just moved out of the examination hall, and went back to home, to prepare for my last paper.

While I was preparing for my examination, I glanced towards my brother, i felt he was crying, then I thought it might be my illusion. I kept my concentration towards my studies. Again i heard sounds of breath taking as if some one was crying, Is it my brother, I went out to the balcony of our house, it is small place attached to our room, where we usually stand to take fresh air in morning or evening time. He was standing there gazing at a tree, crying silently.

I was shocked, asked, "Hey bro? whatz the matter? What happened? why are you crying? Are you facing any problem in understanding the subject? Tell me, if so I shall help you?, Why are you crying tell me, I shall help you.." He was numb, silence around. I again said, "Is it love failure? Bro dont worry? heck with that girl who rejected you, Cool yaar, you would get the charm like that accident girl". I said such words to make him laugh a bit, Still he was silent.

Cool, didn't succeed in bringing him back his smile. Said, "cool atleast say me whatz the matter, I shall hear it, if you dont want me to interfere it, Just say me, I shall not share with any, I promise." He was still silent. I got angry, said, "cool charm, have to prepare for my paper, you keep crying, I dont understand why you dont wanna say me?".

I gave my last paper, was happy for completing our external exams. So next is vacation of around one month. I had great plans for this vacation. Was very much delighted, All outside the exam hall was gathered in groups and talking. Obviously they would be talking about the vacation plans; all would be delighted like me. I just want to know the joining date of next semester, went near the notice board to look for it. 

I was shocked to see what was on the notice board, the books in my hand fell down, seriously that news was so shocking that I wouldn't have been surprised even If I would have fell unconscious. So the news was condolence news. Condolence for a person's death.

The breakfast guy's photo was on the notice board, Above his photo they had written the Condolence for Surya's death yesterday. I took deep breath, I was feeling so so bad, something as if I felt like, I have to go near him, and slap and say wake up, how can you die? Wake up... my eyes filled with tears, I wouldn't control myself. I ran from there, I reached my house. I dont know, why am I crying for him, he is just my collegemate, he is not even my friend, but I was feeling very sad, as if I lost something in my life sort.

I was still crying in the room, my brother entered the room, he saw me and said, "so you got to know". What does that mean, he knew that earlier. I asked him, “Were you knowing earlier that Surya is no more? When did you come to know that? Why didn't you say me?". He said, "I knew yesterday it, you were preparing for exams, I knew after hearing that news you would go down, I didn't wanted to make you feel down. So didn't say you". My tears rolled, I was unable to control my feelings, but what feelings? I had no feelings towards him, still I don’t know, what was that made me to cry.

My brother left me alone for a while. When he entered the room again, I was calm down, Was playing games on my mobile. Seeing me relaxed, he was searching something inside his bag. "what is that you are searching?" He said, "nothing I had misplaced my specs, so was searching for it." "Oh fine, Can I ask one thing? How did you get to know the news of Surya's death? How did he died?" He kept silence for a minute, "I got a SMS, I don’t have any idea about what happened." He said so much and moved out of the room.